I hate being depressed. I deal with it more and more...That and Anxiety and some paranoia. My brain lately has been a hot mess. Then the big blow up happens. It never fails. About once every six months I lose it. I mean fully lose it. There is crying, screaming, hate, anger, fear and just all general I don't look like the normal Amanda.
Last night was such a break down. It started with bad news at lunch that the Pirates had decided to redo part of the Lexas Club, where I just got offered a job, which means that I might not have a position after all. I was angry. Blinding red angry. I just want to work...is that so hard? Why keep giving me jobs and take them away? Then I had to continue to work after such bad news and I just had no motivation to work at Apple because what was the point anymore? I was tired of busting my ass in everything with 0 return. Plain and simple.
Needless to say, the night just continued to get worse because I was more depressed then I realized and then I started drinking and didn't stop. Which I have only done one other time before when I was angry, that night I was found on the floor of the parlor at my parents house by my uncle gripping a very expensive bottle of scotch. Last night it was wine. It was bad.
But today I woke up and my eyes were swollen shut from crying and my voice was gone. But there was something different today then all the other day afters my mental break down. I had confidence. I was able to go to a meeting and ask for my payment and then go to work for a full 9 hour shift with no problems. I am usually a mess for days after my breakdowns. What was different this time? How did I have the strength to "brush my shoulders off" and just do the work?
Guess The bounce-back is greater then the fall.